"Sometimes I Wonder If...

…I’m ever gonna make it home again. It’s so far and out of sight.”

Actually what seems to be going on is that we are now at what Joey called last night, “The home stretch.” What does that mean exactly? Well, The Gerson Institute now has in its hot little hands my full application with tons of records from my stay here in New Mexico; the ER, the hospital and the radiation notes. They say I will know in a day or two if I am “accepted” THEN it’s down to when they have a bed. They only have ten. How intimate can it get? I mean talk about personal care, right? Being in this "home stretch" place has my anxiety and longing to be home in my own city, bed and man's arms so close now that it seems furthest away than it ever has. Probably because now the emotions I've been holding back due to having to stay "soldier-like" are moving closer and closer to the surface. Whatever the reason, the "hardness" of it all seems to be rearing its scary head a bit now and then.

At first I was really nervous. Accepted? What if I’m not? Oh my God! Then what do we do? Well, what we will then have to do is completely read and learn the home program that we purchased (books and DVDs) that overwhelmed us weeks ago. We will have to go back home to San Francisco, see if they have a trained Gerson person in our area to help.

But you know what? Joey, Joe and I thought… Maybe those who are not accepted have other things going on; a lot of other things. Like what if I also had, diabetes, hep c, high blood pressure, obesity, etc. and so on. Maybe that is when they don’t “accept.” When two weeks is not enough to begin the healing or enough time to fully train a family member.

Anyhoots, that's where we are.

Today we hit the post office with all of my paperwork, photos etc. to get my first passport. Joe had to one day Fed Ex my birth certificate, then yesterday our marriage license. Now that I have everything, pics already taken, it's just a trip to the post office, then back online to pay “an arm and a leg” to a service who will rush it all ("hand carry" they call it) and have my passport to me in a day or two.

“Stay tuned….”

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Blogita #4 - Once Sick of Home...Now Homesick

It's still and always will be "about the journey" and not the "destination."

Joey and I are doing so well staying positive and in Joy. We get along so well, love being together and laughed so hard in the car last night I almost peed my pants. I know for sure we got rid of a few Cancer cells with that one. :)

While we are doing our best to stay in the now knowing we still have weeks before we are home, we do have our moments where the fact that we are away from home and our honeys hits. We don't push it away. Instead we acknowledge it, sometimes shed a few tears, and then we move on like two little soldiers on a mission.

When I left San Francisco on August 6th, I believed I hated my house, the city, California and so much more. I know now, that I hated where I was within myself and my life. I have been blessed with this opportunity to learn how much I truly love my home and in the meantime my heart has healed. All that felt "wrong" inside of me is now "right."

I look forward to breathing in my San Francisco fog and the noise of the freeway down the street. Yes, my defintion of Heaven has changed for sure...

I Take No Responsibility Whatsoever - Instead, I've Been Blessed

While still in the hospital, there was a moment of complete awe. I watched him as he, another day in, took care of any and everything that needed taken care of. He was my voice, my hands, my brain. I’ve lived most of this lifetime with the “issue” of safety, and this was now the ultimate “let go and let God” hurdle for me. Sure I trust God, always have, but there’s something about someone “with skin” right here in the now “having your back” that is very powerful.

As he was taking care of something for me yet again with such calmness and confidence, I thought to myself, “Wow, how did I raise such a…” and I stopped mid-sentence. I knew instantly I had absolutely nothing to do with the amazing man I was watching; the strong human being that had stepped in for me at a time I could not yet step in for myself.

Sure I “parented” him and taught him things. He’s a good person, never cruel, loves from the heart and all of that. But the man I’ve come to know these last couple of weeks is who he is because it is Who he Is. My son, my baby, my love. Amazing…Beautiful… “The Magician.”

I am blessed… I am loved… I am safe.